How to pick up chicks
I thought that I had it all figured out. For all of my 19 years on this Earth, I thought that the way to get a girl was relatively simple. All you had to do was be nice to them, listen to what they have to say, make some sacrifices for them, so on and so forth. Boy was I wrong. Gone are the days when you asked a pretty girl out on a date. Now we are entering an age when guys ask some hottie trick ho out on a ride in my benzo so we can kick it to daddy’s lake house some she can get herrrr freak on, ya hearrrrrr?
Now, I’m not claiming to be the cream of the crop when it comes to guys (I know better than that), but it just seems like that one douche bag always ends up with the girl, or the girl always has some crush on some guy that you KNOW is a douche. Maybe girls just need a little help identifying douche bags! Well, I’m here to help. Lets run through this check list:
If he ever calls you a:
Ho
Ho-bag
Bitch
Trick
Hot
He’s a douche
If he ever:
Hits you
Hits you after you hit him
Acts like a thug
Acts like he’s black
He’s a douche
If he has a nickname like:
Pimp
Pimp Daddy
Ladies Man
Ho Magnet
Chief Smackahoe ( x100 if he has this name)
Bitch King
Big Daddy
You get the picture. He’s a douche bag
There is a real good chance that no girl that just read this list will ever use it. If so, your loss. Lets just take a look at some dating advice of the past compared with dating advice of today.. So, to do that, I’m introducing a new segment called “How it was done, and how it’s done today” Let us begin, shall we?
How it used to be: Open a car door, or any door for that matter, for that special lady
How it is today: Pfft, bitch got two arms. Tell her to open her own damn door. She’ll love it!
How it used to be: Make you that you pay for dinner and the movie.
How it is today: Ain’t no way you paying for all that. She’s wants Equal Rights and suffrage, let HER pay for it. She’ll love feeling independent!
How it used to be: 1st base, 2nd base, 3rd base, Home Run.
How it is today: Be sure to inform your date that she should be taking birth control for your date. Chicks dig birth control.
How it used to be: Be as polite, kind, and caring as you can be.
How it is today: Be as rude, ignorant, and ignore her as much as possible. Also, make sure to quote as many rap songs as you can. Girls LOVE songs that disrespect them as much as you do!
How it used to be: Make sure to talk about things that are important to both of you. Communication is important in building a relationship.
How it is today: Make sure that she knows that when your shift from 2nd to 3rd gear, your car totally goes “WeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeWrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeWrrooooooOWrreeeeeooooo”
I thought that I had it all figured out. For all of my years on this Earth, I thought that the way to get a girl was relatively simple. All you had to do was be nice to them, listen to what they have to say, make some sacrifices for them, so on and so forth. Apparently, you just have to be an ignorant douche bag to get girls to like you.
Makes sense.
Right?
