NEWS:

A new station is coming, and it is called CW! Take to best from two failed networks (UPN and WB) and combine them into…Oh my god it still sucks. Here’s a short overview of the new lineup:

Gilmore Girls:
Their quick wit is only matched by how quick I change stations.

Smallville:
Stop pissing with the Superman time line.

Everyone Hates Chris:
A show about Chris Rock growing up as a kid. Need I say more?

CRAP

This new network sounds terrible to me. I would have to rank it right up there with Oxygen (television for idiots – great Family Guy line).

OTHER NEWS:

Honey attracts bees. Blue lights attract numerous flying insects. Young boys attract priests. These are all well know facts. Well, toss another one into the fold:

Colorado attracts school shootings.

Every time there is a school shooting, it happens to be in Colorado. And I just don’t get it. Ethnics and Economics divide so many in many other states, so why so many school shootings in this “cracker land”. Good question. I blame El Nino….and Global Warming.

OTHER OTHER NEWS:

Oh, and Grand Theft Auto.

THE TRUTH:

Former President Clinton was grilled by Fox’s Chis Wallace in an interview, getting asked question like “Why didn’t you do MORE to stop Osama?” Hmmm, that’s like asking JFK why he didn’t do more to stop his assassination. I mean, they both totally KNEW it was going to happen, so why didn’t he stop it? Of course, try finding someone in the media who are asking these same question to the CURRENT administration. The ones who totally ignored and disregarded all information on where Osama was and how to take him down. This information left to them by the Clinton Administration. You know, the ones who didn’t do enough.

Speaking of the media, Is it bad when a T.O suicide attempt gets more coverage on CBS evening news (with Satan herself, Katie Couric) than the Iraq War does? Oh I forgot, its election time, and the war makes Republicans look bad.

Speaking of Republicans, I just love how President Bush handles the disaster in Iraq. It usually goes something like this:

Reporter: Mr. Bush, should we leave Iraq?
Bush: Of course not. We have to stay the course.
Reporter: But sir, isn’t it a know fact that we are unable to provide the Iraqi citizens a foundation upon which to build a democracy?
Bush: Oh I see. I didn’t know you were a pussy.
Reporter: Excuse me?
Bush: I thought we had everyone leave their vagina’s at the door. You want to cut and run?
Report: Cut and… no! It’s not cutting and running. It’s Cutting and Getting the fuck out of there because we shouldn’t be there in the first place.
Bush:….
Reporter:…..
Bush: Pussy

And there you have it. Rant over!

WOW, I tell you what. If you want a degree in life, be a cashier for about two to three months. You will discover theses things:

1. All stereotypes are true

2. Old people gossip like a motherfucker

3. You can’t program the receipt to give hot girls your phone number

4. Everyone thinks you 16

5. You get tired of those motherfuckin snakes on that motherfuckin register (love that movie)

So, I’m cashier today and some lady that smells of adult beverage and shes trying to tell me something and shes like “AWeahuisoabsfjbasbf” and I’m like “Excuse me?” Rinse and repeat for like 5 mins. I hate people, and there was no point in what I just wrote. Who cares!

Well, lets take a look at the news!

HEADLINE: OMG WHERE IS SURI CRUISE

Who the fuck cares? Do we honestly obsess over the daughter of two Scientology wackos? Which leads me to my next piece:

(WARNING, IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE ABOUT YOUR RELIGION: STOP BEING A WUSS AND READ THIS)

Scientology. Alright, what is it and what does it do. Well, luckily I had an EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW with the inventor of Scientology, a man we shall call TOM

Andrew(A): Welcome Tom. Thanks for taking the time to do this interview.

Tom (T): You quite welcome!

A: So, Scientology. What exactly is it?

T: Well Andrew, Scientology is a really advanced religion. I could tell you the insance back story that I totally made up, but do you want to really know what its about?

A: Absolutly!!

T: Well, everyone knows the story of Jesus, how he was nailed to the cross and the resurected. Islam’s had Moses and his trek across Saudi Arabia. Hindu’s have their Budda and his 8 or 12 arms. So one night, I’m sitting there thinking “Hmm,  I think I can one up all these motherfuckers!” So, I made up some crazy shit about aliens leaving their souls behind and creating humans. I mean, think about it! Jesus had a stupid cross, I’m talking ALIENS MAN. MOTHER FUCKIN ALIENS. Who doesn’t want a piece of that sweet action?

A: You do know your probably going to hell….right?

T: They have money in hell right?

A: Uh…..sure

T: Wow, thank God!!….I mean, that Xhulalsjashd, or whoever the fuck I said started this crazy religion! Where’s the bank at here?

A: Thank you for your time.

1. Bears Last Week (3)
2. Dogs Last Week (5)
….
….
….
4323562. Kangaroo Last Week (42)

Such a large drop in ranking. You can bet that those Kangaroos were “hoppin” mad. Bada Ching

Speaking of Kangaroos, the child abduction rate for baby Kangaroos went up again for the 21st straight year. When asked why, Kangaroo spokesman Hoppy McRoo stated “They’re all named Joey, so its hard to keep track”

Seriously folks, I’m here all week. This weekend was a disaster . On top of a lot of other things, my Cat has diabetes really bad, which makes me sad, since I’ve had him for 10 years. On the bright side, there is a small possibility that I can make my cat the Wilfred Brimly of the feline species and sign him a lucrative deal with Liberty Medical.

I figured out tonight that I can be really annoying when I haven’t seen friends in a long time. The part of my brain kicks in and says “Hey! Be super hyper and shit cause they don’t think your cool anymore!”

Remeber when that horse Barbaroro was put down? It’s really a shame. But then again, its funny how a story about a horse makes it onto SportsCenter, while the WNBA is never on. Which leads to this theory. Make a new league, like the WNBA with HNBA, or Horse NBA. And, on a scary note, some women from the WNBA could probably PLAY in HNBA.

Ever wonder how fat burly lesbians make a living? Apparently, Softball. I turn on the World Cup of Softball on ESPN, which boast an ASTOUNDING 6 teams from all around the world. What this really means is that only 6 countries in the world have enough burly lesbians to field a softball team. Jenny Fitch is the ONLY exception to this rule.

WORLD NEWS:

MORE PEOPLE ARE DEAD

Well, that about raps it up.

Quote of the day: “Enjoy these tacos now, because in the future they are outlawed. I think we all know why.”

Now, I’m not claiming to be the cream of the crop when it comes to guys (I know better than that), but it just seems like that one douche bag always ends up with the girl, or the girl always has some crush on some guy that you KNOW is a douche. Maybe girls just need a little help identifying douche bags! Well, I’m here to help. Lets run through this check list:

If he ever calls you a:

Ho

Ho-bag

Bitch

Trick

Hot

He’s a douche

If he ever:

Hits you

Hits you after you hit him

Acts like a thug

Acts like he’s black

He’s a douche

If he has a nickname like:

Pimp

Pimp Daddy

Ladies Man

Ho Magnet

Chief Smackahoe ( x100 if he has this name)

Bitch King

Big Daddy

You get the picture. He’s a douche bag

There is a real good chance that no girl that just read this list will ever use it. If so, your loss. Lets just take a look at some dating advice of the past compared with dating advice of today.. So, to do that, I’m introducing a new segment called “How it was done, and how it’s done today” Let us begin, shall we?

How it used to be: Open a car door, or any door for that matter, for that special lady

How it is today: Pfft, bitch got two arms. Tell her to open her own damn door. She’ll love it!

How it used to be: Make you that you pay for dinner and the movie.

How it is today: Ain’t no way you paying for all that. She’s wants Equal Rights and suffrage, let HER pay for it. She’ll love feeling independent!

How it used to be: 1^st base, 2^nd base, 3^rd base, Home Run.

How it is today: Be sure to inform your date that she should be taking birth control for your date. Chicks dig birth control.

How it used to be: Be as polite, kind, and caring as you can be.

How it is today: Be as rude, ignorant, and ignore her as much as possible. Also, make sure to quote as many rap songs as you can. Girls LOVE songs that disrespect them as much as you do!

How it used to be: Make sure to talk about things that are important to both of you. Communication is important in building a relationship.

How it is today: Make sure that she knows that when your shift from 2^nd to 3^rd gear, your car totally goes “WeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeWrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeWrrooooooOWrreeeeeooooo”

I thought that I had it all figured out. For all of my years on this Earth, I thought that the way to get a girl was relatively simple. All you had to do was be nice to them, listen to what they have to say, make some sacrifices for them, so on and so forth. Apparently, you just have to be an ignorant douche bag to get girls to like you.

Makes sense.

Right?

Shows like 24, Lost, Scrubs, and The Office will all feel the full force of this strike in the coming months. But who is really at fault here? Is it the companies fault for not noticing the changing trends in media, or is it the writers fault for not noticing the same changes?  The big issue comes down to (doesn’t it always) money. The writers want compensation for the web-based content they create (original or just a re-airing of a show), plus an increased cut of DVD sales. While I can certainly agree with them on these terms, the way that they are holding out makes it seem like they didn’t want to negotiate in the first place. When these people are interviewed out on the streets, they all have a smug tone about them. Why? Because they know that they are right. As a matter of fact, everyone knows that they’re right. What better leverage is there in a negotiation than the other side knowing everyone is against them. It seems to me that the writers used this position in an attempt to break the bank when it came to the demands they made. But reasonable doesn’t quite cut it in Hollywood anymore. Not when there is a cash cow just waiting to be milked. So, regardless of how right the writers might actually be, they only come out looking like a bunch of egotistical jerk-offs who don’t realize that the only reason that they have a job in the first place is because of the viewer.  Many American’s couldn’t care less about how much these people make because its probably more money than the average person will ever see. And (sadly I might add) TV has become such a staple in everyday America that a strike like this will only end up making the writers look bad. Which brings me to my final point: No matter how right or wrong the writers are, the only people who end us losing anything are the ones who made their shows popular in the first place.

I received this e-mail today regard the MMORPG City of Heroes:

To all current and former City of Heroes players,   

Today we announced the acquisition of City of Heroes from Cryptic Studios™ and the formation of our new Northern California studio which we are informally calling NCsoft® NorCal (click here to read the press release). Nearly the entire City of Heroes team from Cryptic Studios has joined the NCsoft team and together we have formed the core of our new studio. The City of Heroes franchise has been a tremendous success for both NCsoft and Cryptic. More than three years after the City of Heroes launch, our community is strong and thriving. There are so many great ideas and plans, both from our development team and from the players, and we can’t wait to make them a reality. Our team is 100% dedicated to City of Heroes and we are extremely excited about the present and the future!

Click here to read the Dev Corner chat with General Manager Brian Clayton and learn more details.

Now back to you, the players. You are the lifeblood of our game.

In celebration of our new studio and our exciting plans, and in order to thank you for the fantastic community that you have built, we are pleased to announce the following.

Full Access to City of Heroes and City of Villains®

All players with City of Heroes retail* accounts will now have access to City of Villains, and all City of Villains retail* accounts will now have access to City of Heroes. Players that didn’t previously have access to “the other side” will find that they do now. Just log in to check it out!

Debt Wipe

After the launch of Issue 11: A Stitch in Time this Fall, we are removing Debt from all characters and giving you a fresh start. Actual date will be announced shortly. Have fun in the mean time.

20,000 Prestige

Also after the launch of Issue 11, all Supergroups will receive an additional 20,000 Prestige per Supergroup member, meaning SGs could acquire up to 3 million Prestige based upon their Supergroup membership roster! Actual date will be announced shortly.

In the near future we will begin to share more information about our development plans. With this major reinvestment and effort ahead of us, we will take City of Heroes to new heights!

Sincerely,

The City of Heroes Team

Several interesting changes that someone who hasn’t played in a while wouldn’t understand but the most interesting of these is that owners of City of Heroes or City of Villains exclusively will now have access to both games. So if you went out and dropped the extra 30 on City of Villains you should be happy about wasting your money. For those of you cheap, smart, and fiscally conservative (hah) types who didn’t buy the game because you either expected this to happen, or just had too much of a life to care about getting both games, its your day for you now have FREE access to both worlds.

  Now what this radical change to game says about the state of its success is quite obvious. Things must be grim. Personally this sounds like a last ditch effort to revitalize the series, much like we say Star Wars Galaxies do a couple of years ago ( and we all know how that turned out.)

 So its a great day for the casual CoH gamer, but its a clear sign of impending failure for the series. But who knows, maybe a radical change late in the game will actually work (it won’t).

– Jacob 

I remember Napster. I remember how it revolutionized Peer to Peer (P2P) file sharing and let people have access to thousands of songs and movies without ever having to pay a dime for them. I remember how it made me feel like I was getting away with something, then realizing that most of these music stars don’t REALLY need that extra 2.3 Million dollar beach house. But out of all the things I remember about Napster and every P2P client afterwards, is that I have never downloaded any Metallica…. and come to think of it, none of my friends did either.

I suggest you read this article before I begin this rant: http://www.dailygaming.net/index.php?name=News&file=article&sid=230Ok, done? Good.Listen, this is just sad. This is Grandpa having Alzheimer’s and forgetting he’s in a old folks home every single morning bad. Metallica has just totally lost touch with everything sensible in this world. The statement from Metallica was: “Metallica is fearful that album sales could decline if their fans were able to simply walk into any Gamestop or Best Buy and purchase an $80 video game that contained one of their songs.” First, lets get a few things straight:1. Fans? Who are you kidding? You guys haven’t been culturally relevant for 10 years, and that is being nice.2. If there was by chance a single Metallica fan left in this country who you haven’t alienated by now, why the hell would this fan spend $80 dollars on a shitty song that is years old when they can spend $20 (tops) to get you new album with 10+ shitty songs!3. New Album? Really?4. How much money do bands really make on album sales anyway? The real money is in touring. That’s why bands tour so much. Not because they love performing the same set list over and over and over and over and over and over and over again, but because they make more money that way. So, how much is this really going to take out of your pockets you greedy bastards. You’ve somehow managed to stay in the public eye for nearly 20 years and somehow your pressed for money? You know what would save some money? Not to sue everything that moves. That’s a good start.So, this sounds more to me like a last gasp of a dying band. When you fall out of the public eye, you sue someone to become relevant again. I didn’t even know Metallica was coming out with a new album until this was filed. I wouldn’t be surprised if Jack Thompson gets hired on to play tambourine in your new album.So, in closing, Metallica: Please, stfu.Fin

When I first started gaming (lets just when the N64 was released), I liked EA. What wasn’t to like? They ushered in a new digital era for football, which tended to be a strong selling point for most consoles. And at the time I was just basically into sports games. Football, baseball, and even soccer were among my favorites to play. Like any young person, I continued to buy their games. And why wouldn’t I? 989 sports couldn’t do any better, which made EA the cream of the crop! All was good……

When I first bought my first copy of Madden on the PS2, I was excited. Next Gen graphics plus one of my favorite sports! Oh Boy! I was also excited the next year…and the next…… wait a minute. It didn’t take long for me to figure out that Madden was more like an extremely retarded version of Everquest. Instead of a monthly fee, Madden made you pay a yearly $50 dollar fee, in which the game was slightly “updated”, but the rosters had changed! And maybe some new uniforms or stadiums! Soon I began to wonder if there was life outside of Madden. Then it happened.

I had always heard rumors of this “2K” sports franchise, and that they had made a few football games. Pfft, what were they thinking? EA’s Madden was far superior…right? That’s when NFL 2K5 came out. I was tired of paying Madden’s yearly fees. I was bored with the same interface and physics year after year. Those reason, coupled with NFL 2K5’s $20 price tag, made me jump ship. I bought the game, put in the disk, and began playing. And lo’, did I play. Hours upon hours! New interface, different physics, using the analog stick to call hot routes for your receivers, John Madden not blaring football cliché’s through my speakers. I was having FUN playing a football game again. Not to say that their wasn’t room for improvement, but surely this would be a solid platform to launch years of great football games that rivaled Madden. And just when I was hopeful…Darkness came…

EA made a multiyear deal with the NFL….the specifics didn’t matter….only EA…could make football….no more 2K series….BLACKNESS

Well, it wasn’t all bad. I had since broadened my horizons to things like RPGs and FPS and the like. Surely, my life would be free of EA tyranny from now on.

Thursday October 11, 2007. Headlines read: EA Buys Bioware, Pandemic. Mass Effect…Mercenaries 2…when does it END!

So, now we know EA’s model for business. We can’t create franchises that are worth a damn anymore, so we need to buy them. Buy everyone. You know, I didn’t know George Steinbrenner owned the New York Yankees AND Electronic Arts. When does this all stop? Instead of taking a short cut to being # 1 again, why don’t you do it the way you should? You’ve already bought up enough developers to be churning out hits every other month. Yet you don’t. Why is that? Because you squeeze every drop of originality out of development teams by putting them on tiresome work schedules. You hit them with deadlines that are impossible to make. You take out all the creativity and add something quite your own, which is usually to make the most appealing games and game franchises stale. So, what happens now? Does Bioware get the chance to refine the next RPG they make? Or will you tarnish another company’s legacy just to maintain your own? Have you already cracked your whips to make sure that Mercenaries 3 will be hot on the heals of Mercenaries 2? Sooner or later gamers will figure you out. Not just the hardcore gamers, but the “everyday gamer”. Someday your Madden Tournaments will loose their luster, because everyone loves using that one play where a receiver streaks down the middle of the field, and the safety blows his coverage EVERY TIME. Someday, your broke ass model of business will bring you exactly what you want: You’ll be the only company that makes games on any and all systems available. Maybe then you’ll realize that the only thing you really need to make great games is the one thing that you’ve been trying to destroy this whole time….

Competition

As if to prove my point